dnevnik srpskog samoubice

26 Mar, 2015

Samo još jedan dan na putu ka ničemu

— Autor srpskisamoubica @ 20:33
Tašmajdan. Seo sam u park sa limenkom piva. Pre toga sam uzeo kombinaciju lekova koje je trebala da dovede do toga da budem više inspirisan za pisanje. Tako sam sedeo i čekao neku sjajnu ideju. To je uglavnom sve što radim u životu: sedim i čekam da mi nešto padne sa neba. Ali, sa neba jedino pada kiša! Ponekad sneg. To mi ne pomaže mnogo u životu. Nije ni bitno, u ovom suludom društvu jedino iluzije mogu nesmetano da se uzgajaju. Ne treba očekivati previše. Samo jedno malo čudo, samo jedno malo čudo posle koga će sve biti u redu, to je sve što mi treba Bože! Evo, može da se desi baš ovde u parku!

Znao sam da će to doći baš sad. Ideja koja će uzdrmati same temelje civilizacije! Prokletstvo, nemam papir i olovku da sve to zapišem, ali nema veze, biće toliko jasno da neću moći da zaboravim.

Čekam.

Dok je pivo klizilo niz moje grlo ipak se ništa nije dešavalo. Samo ljudi koji prolaze. Vedri ljudi, mračni ljudi, veliki ljudi, mali ljudi, ljudi sa naočarima za Sunce, ljudi koji me gledaju, ljudi sa decom. Vreme je prolazilo, a ništa genijalno mi nije palo na pamet. Nekako mi je bilo sve jasnije da ništa ni neću smisliti. Bio sam samo još jedan mladić koji besposleno sedi u parku. Bez ideje, bez ljubavi, bez para. Večnost i ja. Šta bi Fante uradio na mom mestu? Da li bi Bodler ovako sedeo ili bi otišao negde? Da li je Ivo Andrić ikada sedeo na ovoj klupi?

Jedno dete koje je jedva hodalo polako mi je prišlo dok ga je otac držao na povodcu. Da, baš je imao onaj kaiš kao za pse. Dete mi se približilo i osmehivalo. Onda je nešto mlatilo rukama. Na kraju me značajno pogledalo i uhvatilo se za glavu. Posle se taj mali malo udaljio i onda se vratio do mene. Opet se uhvatio za glavu. Da li je to trebalo nešto da znači? Možda je on bio medijum! Možda je to dete koje jedva hoda htelo da mi kaže da Boga više boli glava od mene i mojih želja. Možda je tako i bilo, ali kako sam mogao da znam?

Ipak, bio sam tamo, nisam se predao i povukao uprkos svemu. Borio sam se na svoj način. Želeo sam da načinim nešto veliko od svog života, nešto što će ceo kosmos da osvetli. Samo što još nisam znao kako. Možda sam želeo previše a činio premalo, ali nisam odustajao.

Pivo je bilo odvratno, pa sam ustao čim sam ga popio. Bukovski je preporučio da kad god nam dođe da se ubijemo odemo da gledamo patke. Kaže da to opušta živce i pomaže. Ali gde ja da nađem patke u Beogradu?

Prilično prazan i tmuran, ustao sam, zgužvao sam limenku, bacio je u kantu i bez cilja krenuo ka centru grada.

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